What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like?

Healthy relationships require healthy “boundaries.”  Boundaries are like the imaginary “gates” and “fences” that define and protect our sense of self.   Relationships as portrayed in the movies and television are tragically unhealthy and unrealistic.  They promote what self-help gurus and therapists describe as “codependency.”  It is therefore imperative to learn what healthy boundaries look like. 

A simple guide is this:  It’s okay to be so in tune that you know what another person thinks and feels; it not okay if you don’t know what you think and feel.  Consequently, if you have a good sense of your own thoughts and feelings, but rarely know how others feel, you need to examine your boundaries. 

To help clients develop a deeper understanding of their boundaries, I will either use art or guided imagery and have them imagine their lives as a house with a fence and yard.  As they draw the fence around their house, they discover the kinds of boundaries they have erected in their lives.  One young woman, who had a history of drug abuse and sexual promiscuity, described her life as a “house that had vandalized with all the fences trampled down.”  Another woman, who was fighting for a sense of her own personal boundaries, had a barbed-wire fence all around her house that looked like something from a war movie.  Still others will have fences with no gates, gates that are wide open, fences that are concrete barriers, all indicating whether they have the kind of boundaries that facilitate mutually reciprocal, emotionally safe relationships.  That’s the gold standard in relationships: mutually reciprocal, emotionally safe. 

Here’s a chart I have adapted for use in my own practice and in my Healthy Transitions for Girls Curriculum which was originally developed by Loretta Sparks, LMFT. This chart will help you inventory ways to improve your boundaries, and consequently, your relationships. Choose one area you want to improve and watch how it positively affects your relationships and your sense of well-being. 

My Space, Your Space

Find the Balance 

 BOUNDARIES ARE TOO LOOSE

• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of being criticized.
• Your often change yourself to be what others think you should be. 
• You feel constant guilt about others’ problems.
• You share personal information before you have built a trust relationship.
• You let others treat you disrespectfully
• You worry about helping others, but don’t ask to them to help you.
• You have difficulty identifying what you want, need, or feel.
• You don’t have a sense of moral values and limits. 

BOUNDARIES ARE TOO RIGID

• You say no to any request that takes you our of your “comfort zone.”
• You rarely share your feelings with anyone.
• You are scared that if people really knew you they would reject you.
• You have difficulty identifying what others want, need or feel.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You hate to admit you are wrong.
• You usually blame others when problems arise. 

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

• You enjoy helping others, but you can say no to others’ requests if you need to.
• Your relationships are a mutual give and take.
• You respect and act on your values, even when others disagree.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually as you develop trust.
• You don’t allow hang around with people who put you down or hurt you physically.
•  You communicate your needs and feelings clearly in your relationships.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment.  You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it. 

Adapted from Loretta Sparks, LMFT, D.CEP, EFT Master www.energypsychotherapy.com

Open the Door to Better Communication

I often hear, “My (child, husband, teenager) just won’t talk to me. Our responses can “open the door” or “slam the door” on good communication. 

Beware of these “door slammers:”

• You are too young to understand
• If you say that again, I’ll…
• That’s none of your business.
• I don’t care what your friends are doing!
• We’ll talk about that when you need to know.
• That’s just for boys/girls.
• Why are you asking me that?
• You don’t need to know about that.
• Don’t come to me if you mess up.

Practice these “door openers” and see what a positve response you get.  (Hang them on your mirror or fridge.)

• What do you think?
• Would you like to share more about that?
• That’s a good question.
• I don’t know, but I’ll find out.
• I’m interted in what you are saying.
• Do you know what that means?
• That sounds important to you.
• Do you want to talk about it?
• So what you are saying is…

Source:  Adapted from Thomas Gordon (1975/2000) Parent Effectiveness Training. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Getting What You Need

We are often very adept at stating what we don’t want.  Realizing what we do want and asking for it takes extra skill. 

Believe that you deserve to get your needs met. Good relationships are mutually satisfying.

Use this simple formula for making requests:

1. When you_________________
2. I feel  ____________________
3. What I would like is _________
4. What I am willing to do ______
5. Do you think you could do that? OR Do you think that would work?

Communications skills are not complicated.  In fact the best advice is simple. It does take practice and commitment to make changes.  You can do it!