A simple guide is this:  It’s okay to be so in tune that you know what another person thinks and feels; it not okay if you don’t know what you think and feel.  Consequently, if you have a good sense of your own thoughts and feelings, but rarely know how others feel, you need to examine your boundaries. 

To help clients develop a deeper understanding of their boundaries, I will either use art or guided imagery and have them imagine their lives as a house with a fence and yard.  As they draw the fence around their house, they discover the kinds of boundaries they have erected in their lives.  One young woman, who had a history of drug abuse and sexual promiscuity, described her life as a “house that had vandalized with all the fences trampled down.”  Another woman, who was fighting for a sense of her own personal boundaries, had a barbed-wire fence all around her house that looked like something from a war movie.  Still others will have fences with no gates, gates that are wide open, fences that are concrete barriers, all indicating whether they have the kind of boundaries that facilitate mutually reciprocal, emotionally safe relationships.  That’s the gold standard in relationships: mutually reciprocal, emotionally safe. 

Here’s a chart I have adapted for use in my own practice and in my Healthy Transitions for Girls Curriculum which was originally developed by Loretta Sparks, LMFT. This chart will help you inventory ways to improve your boundaries, and consequently, your relationships. Choose one area you want to improve and watch how it positively affects your relationships and your sense of well-being. 

My Space, Your Space

Find the Balance 

 BOUNDARIES ARE TOO LOOSE

• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of being criticized.
• Your often change yourself to be what others think you should be. 
• You feel constant guilt about others’ problems.
• You share personal information before you have built a trust relationship.
• You let others treat you disrespectfully
• You worry about helping others, but don’t ask to them to help you.
• You have difficulty identifying what you want, need, or feel.
• You don’t have a sense of moral values and limits. 

BOUNDARIES ARE TOO RIGID

• You say no to any request that takes you our of your “comfort zone.”
• You rarely share your feelings with anyone.
• You are scared that if people really knew you they would reject you.
• You have difficulty identifying what others want, need or feel.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You hate to admit you are wrong.
• You usually blame others when problems arise. 

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

• You enjoy helping others, but you can say no to others’ requests if you need to.
• Your relationships are a mutual give and take.
• You respect and act on your values, even when others disagree.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually as you develop trust.
• You don’t allow hang around with people who put you down or hurt you physically.
•  You communicate your needs and feelings clearly in your relationships.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment.  You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it. 

Adapted from Loretta Sparks, LMFT, D.CEP, EFT Master www.energypsychotherapy.com

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Let’ s “TAP IN”  the New Year on January 18 and January 25  from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
Tap In Sessions will be held at The Light Point Healing Center, 51 W. Broadway, Burns, OR 97720

Beware of these “door slammers:”

• You are too young to understand
• If you say that again, I’ll…
• That’s none of your business.
• I don’t care what your friends are doing!
• We’ll talk about that when you need to know.
• That’s just for boys/girls.
• Why are you asking me that?
• You don’t need to know about that.
• Don’t come to me if you mess up.

Practice these “door openers” and see what a positve response you get.  (Hang them on your mirror or fridge.)

• What do you think?
• Would you like to share more about that?
• That’s a good question.
• I don’t know, but I’ll find out.
• I’m interted in what you are saying.
• Do you know what that means?
• That sounds important to you.
• Do you want to talk about it?
• So what you are saying is…

Source:  Adapted from Thomas Gordon (1975/2000) Parent Effectiveness Training. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Many people confuse humility and inferiority.  They think that to be humble they need to belittle themselves.  When someone gives them a compliment, they feel it is their duty to say things like, “Oh no, I’m not that good, you should see how terrible I am….” or  “Thanks, but I made a ton of mistakes…” as they procede to pick apart the compliment.

Rule #1:  When someone gives you a compliment, accept it graciously without excuse.  “Thank you very much.  I appreciate that you noticed.”

Actually, humility is the the foundation of real self-confidence.  True humility says that there is always someone better and always someone worse. True humility says, “I can accept where I am right now,even though I am working to be better. ”  People that are confident and humble are comfortable asking for help from God and others.

Rule #2: Humility is a comfortable reliance on God’s power while acknowledging that God does indeed  help us do powerful things. 

True humility says that I don’t have to better than someone else to be happy with my efforts.  A warning sign of pride is when we  compare ourselves to others.  When we are prideful, we either end up being constantly last in our comparisons to others, or we privately gloat that we are better.

Rule #3: Truly confident people can celebrate the accomplishments of others.  They do not find it diminishing to themselves when others succeed.

Simultaneously, truly confident people celebrate their own successes.  It’s okay to feel great after a job-well-done.  In fact, confident people know how to be their own best friend and to “cheerlead” themselves throughout the day.  People have a happier day when they have positive self-talk, especially when they don’t meet their ideals.

Rule #4: Be your own cheerleader

• I wish I could have done better, but I can feel satisfied with my efforts.
• I am grateful for what I learned, even though I made a mistake.
• What another zit? Oh well, my hair looks great.

The best kept beauty secret:  Years ago I read an article in Reader’s Digest that said the quality that most attracted guys to a girl is…..(drum roll, are you ready?)….SELF CONFIDENCE.  So stop picking on your faults and celebrate the good things in yourself and others.

Believe that you deserve to get your needs met. Good relationships are mutually satisfying.

Use this simple formula for making requests:

1. When you_________________
2. I feel  ____________________
3. What I would like is _________
4. What I am willing to do ______
5. Do you think you could do that? OR Do you think that would work?

Communications skills are not complicated.  In fact the best advice is simple. It does take practice and commitment to make changes.  You can do it!

Codependency is simply described as “people addiction.”  Who would think you could get “addicted” to another person? In codependency, your entire sense of well-being depends on the actions of another person. It can be a real “roller coaster.”

Codependency is at the heart of most popular songs and movies:   “I can’t live without you.”  “You are my whole world.”  “I can’t stop thinking about you.”  “I would give everything just to know you were mine.”  Most relationships portrayed in the movies are wildly codependent and unfortunately, not designed to last.

The following list is used in my Healthy Transitions for Girls Curriculum to help girls just like you to recognize the signs of codependent versus healthy relationships. How does your current relationship stack up?  Just click on the link below to find out!

HTFG I can’t live without him handout

Learning to develop healthy relationships, versus codependent relationships, will save you much heartache throughout your life.  If you need help to build healthier dating relationships, contact peggy@thelightpoint.org

Parents, Teacher, Mentors, and Counselors:  Here is a free activity from my Healthy Transitions for Girls Curriculum which can be used to help the girls you love to develop positive dating relationships. 

 Chapter 6 Excerpt-I Can’t Live Without Him (and other lies you hear…)

To buy the Healthy Transitions for Girls Curriculum, click here.

• Emotional distress often contributes to physical distress; emotional distress can be “held” in the body
• That as we become more attuned to our bodies we gain more understanding of our emotions.  “The body never lies.”
• Beliefs are powerful tools for creating personal change
• Individuals have many levels of awareness that can be explored and validated
• The body has an inner wisdom and the ability to heal itself
• The mind-body system is composed of “energy;” working with an individual’s “bioenergy” system facilitates rapid and lasting change

Based upon this philosphy, we embrace an Integrated Counseling approach.  We combine traditional counseling therapies with complimentary strategies, such as EFT, an energy psychology technique.  We advocate exercise, yoga, massage therapy, light box therapy, and attention to lifestyle and diet.  We promote natural remedies whenever possible.

Because we believe that each individual has an inner wisdom to guide their them through their own healing path, we view our role as a collaborator or faciliator of change.  Empowerment begins as you discover inner resources, spiritual strength, and tools for healing.

I experienced a huge emotional breakthrough after my tapping session with Peggy. She helped me let go of my perception from, “the men I have chosen to love proves there is something was very wrong with me” to “I have loved these men because of my strengths, and they have played an important part in my growth.” It was very liberating.

~D., age 68

When I first started seeing Peggy I struggled with large doses of perfectionism and anxiety. Through a variety of techniques including A.I.R, EFT, and guided imagery, I have a new found freedom. Peggy helped me not only clear the patterns and beliefs that were contributing to my perfectionism and anxiety, she allowed me to rediscover who I really was. Through her intuitive kind nature it was easy to open up and share my experiences. That was a big concern for me. I tend to be introverted, so I do not share my true thoughts, feelings, and fears with very many people; however, when working with Peggy I had no qualms about opening up. I loved how she allowed me to open up to the level I was ready for. The sessions were really about me and my healing. She allowed me to heal at my own time. I can now soar and feel the freedom from pain I had been longing for so long.

~R, age 19

To schedule an individual EFT session contact peggy@thelightpoint.org

Testimonials from  WEIGHT WELLNESS WORKSHOPs using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT):

“I experienced and witnessed amazing individual transformation and connections amongst the women of the group.”

“This class helped me to see and feel the connection between my overeating and my emotions. I now have a tool to help me to realize why I eat and take control of the craving, instead of letting it control me.”

“Tools are available to help you deal with your issues.”

“I experienced decreased anxiety and more focus as a result of this class.”

For information on the latest weight wellness workshops see Upcoming Events